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I still haven’t done much traveling lately, although I’d hoped to fill this blog with all sorts of wonderful content about pretty places and lovely things. Or perhaps more accurately, I’ve traveled but I haven’t quite had the urge to write much about it. I tend to live in the moment and remembering that there exists a blog in which I can record the adventures of my life is not often a priority of any kind.

I’m writing to vent a bit. Not many people know this site exists, and I’ve just deactivated my Facebook account, so I’m just here to relieve a bit of emotion.

I just got a text reminding me to renew my driver’s license within the next 7 days. I’m turning 21 so that should be the reason but I really, really don’t feel like dealing with the bullshit that is the DMV right now. And I was thinking it would be pretty straight-forward, too, so I look up renewals on the DMV website and in my state I literally need to take all my immigration paperwork with to get the damned thing renewed. I’m not even sure I want to drive anymore. Ugh. But I need to. Double ugh.

My classes are going horrendously. I feel like a failure and it’s only mid-February. I need to talk to my professors but like, what the hell am I going to say? “I’m sorry I suck so bad.”? And I need to buy a book for my thermodynamics class but it’s like 200 dollars. And I don’t know if I have that. 200 dollars is what I make in an entire week. I have the online version but I couldn’t use it for my last exam and I ended up failing it because I didn’t have all I needed printed out.

I haven’t had time to do homework for god-knows-what reason. I actually don’t know why. Maybe because I’m behind and it’s intimidating and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing? I think I’m avoiding it. I want to apologize to someone, but I don’t know who.

I’ve been thinking of becoming religious lately. I find myself a lot of times just slightly lost. I don’t know who to talk to about this. My father is dead and I don’t want to worry my mom by telling her I’m failing school. I don’t want to let her down. So I figure maybe a god who generally already knows how much a fuck-up I am will be a better person to let all this anxiety out on, even though I’ll never get a response. Maybe I’ll start living a better life. I don’t know.

My friends aren’t religious or anything by the way. They’re quite far from it. I would be one strange anomaly if I, the agnostic since as long as I could remember, would convert to Christianity or something.

One of the reasons I’ve been failing so badly is that I feel my focus is just so far gone some days. It’s just not there. I mean, I can cook and socialize and entertain people but when it comes to work, I just can’t do it. I mean like work-work I can. Making coffee is starting to come more naturally (I just recently acquired a new job at Starbucks. It’s exhausting but also pretty rewarding.) and well, it doesn’t require all too much concentration or logic. But I’ve had a strong feeling for several years now that I have ADHD. And the symptoms of it get very strong some days, or weeks. This is one of those months. I’ve been trying to get tested for it but the psychiatry department doesn’t like to pick up their phone and I always miss their calls.

So the reason I deactivated my Facebook account was because I felt incredibly distracted by it all. “It all” being like, all of social media. I’m feeling the need to pretty much cleanse my mind of such things. I’m also thinking of weaning off the sugar and the coffee, although my job makes it difficult to do the latter. I’ll be making tea for myself instead, I guess. I kind-of get lost playing silly little games like Bubble Spinner and 2048 as well, so I’m thinking of just adding those to a blocker on my browser. Eventually I’ll have blocked so many things I’ll be forced to do my homework or something, right?

Alright. Just added a blocker to my browser. Not exactly productive stuff, but conducive to productivity at least?

What’s not conducive at all to productivity is the fact that my cat just made a bed of my lap. And my arms are still able to reach the keyboard but otherwise can’t exactly move. He’s watching me type. What a cute little weirdo.

Anyways. I’ve got a class I need to get ready for. So I’m gonna go ahead and just post this. I’ll try to post pictures of Lexington or something over the weekend to make up for the egregious amount of tangent and lack of content on this blog.

TTYL,

Fem

Right now I feel completely overwhelmed. I can’t exactly handle life. After spring break ended, all of a sudden everything started again. My emotions aren’t exactly in check. I’m a mess. I’m busy pulling myself back together, I guess. I’ve been lucky with grades recently. They’re starting to come up, and I’m getting on track, but I’m still stressed. I’ve got a long list of things I need to take care of. Papers, homework, paperwork, summer plans. I kind of wish I could spend what little money I have on scuba gear and a plane ticket, and simply leave. 

Alright, I’ve recovered. Wow. That was awful. I’m still alive.

I get these horrid feelings of depression every once in a while. They pass, but for an hour or two I feel like finding the nearest train tracks or razor blade. I’m not sure if this is caused by sugar imbalances or stress. 

I’m learning a few things right now. First is that protein is the best way to stifle cravings. If I feel like downing a bottle of soda and a pint of ice cream, what I really need is a cheese stick or a handful of nuts. I don’t know why it works, but I’m so, so glad it does. Second is that naturally sweet foods are ridiculously delicious. Like tea. And air popped popcorn. And apples. They’re so nice. And they don’t kill my energy like sweetened foods do. So yay. Third? This no sugar thing is difficult to do perfectly, and there’s no need to. Today I bought myself a croissant at a coffee shop, and Kentucky Blend tea (which really does taste like Kentucky, somehow. Magic.), and they offered me a chocolate coffee bean. Which I ate. And it was delicious. So even if my regular diet is like, 95% sugar free, one coffee bean is not exactly going to kill me. A half liter soda or a cup of ice cream every day might, but a bean? Not likely. 

Ordering tea at a coffee shop really is a bit of a bummer though. I was thinking of an unsweetened latte but that just makes me crave a mocha or a honey bear (a honey-vanilla latte). Which caused me to steer clear completely. I’d had two cups of honey-sweetened coffee for breakfast anyway (yes, my caffeine consumption is a bit insane right now) and so, se la vie. But mocha….

I’m keeping this up til Friday, this time. I figure I’m working so hard this week already, I’m gonna need a little bit of a reward by the end of it. Cake, maybe? 

I’m starting over on this whole no sugar thing. I’ve decided I’m going to buy raw honey in the grocery store today, in order to make bread and sweeten my coffee. Although it contains the same simple sugar as table sugar and corn syrup, raw honey is the closest thing to unprocessed sweetener I can think of. Fruits contain these same compounds, too, so the point is quite moot, I believe. I’m still struggling to eloquently express my point at all.

I ran across a fantastic article on sugar by Nat Geo. (find it here) It confirms some of my previous knowledge and suspicions. Sugar is addictive, it’s bad for us, and the industry that produces it was created through simply terrible ethics. Add to this the fact that table sugar is refined using charred bones of cow, making it not so veg-friendly, and there are enough reasons to drop the stuff (source). What I found interesting throughout this research is that fructose, the main sugar found in fruits, is actually processed in the liver, which turns it into fat right away. It’s likely an evolutionary adaptation from our primate ancestors many thousands of years ago. This is kind-of the reason why cutting back on fats won’t make you less fat more quickly than cutting back on sugars. Facts!

On a completely unrelated note: bracelets! I made some. They were quite fun to make, and in my opinion very pretty. I learned how to make a lace pattern for these pieces. ImageImage

So I baked bread… and ate it all. Because I am an awful person. My stomach is complaining, by the way. Or rather my digestive track… *shudders* I’m thinking of getting back on track tomorrow. No one has to know about my slip up, right? Especially not the sugar I put in my coffee this afternoon…. I’m an awful person.

And I spent like 6 hours today on this: Image

I have twins. Please, calm your excitement. (although I can’t even hold my own. Ohmaigawsh they’re so cute.)

As the trend has been, they’ll be up on Etsy when the light is good. The photo above is rather awful because desk lamps aren’t the greatest for product photography.

Also! I’m doing something actually sort of travel related tomorrow: skydiving. And holy shit I’m nervous. And I shouldn’t have told my mum. Because she is freaking out. My friend went with the strategy of telling the parents after he’s already back on the ground… and that may have been best. But I’ll try and take some pics of the way there! Although the weather is supposed to be sort of terrible tomorrow. Yikes. *Filled with useless worries*

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They’re now in my Etsy shop. Or, they’re coming up one by one today. Here’s the first one: https://www.etsy.com/listing/183012122/amigurumi-cockatiel?

And of course, the shop home page: https://www.etsy.com/shop/Kittilia?ref=l2-shopheader-name

Let me tell you a little bit about the goals of this blog

I plan to blog about places.

If personal stuff gets in the way, I guess that’s cool, too.

I’m traveling a lot right now, going to all sorts of places, and I thought some of you on the net might be interested.

I am also a terrible blogger. I’m a chronic blog-abandoner, and it seems I just can’t keep a commitment.

So if that happens here, I’m sorry.

I should say I do want to make a long-term commitment to this project. I would love to build it for the next three years or longer, and keep it current. I’d like to make it a little bit higher in quality every time I take the time to look at it, and hopefully it will start to rival the great travel columns of the world.

But mostly, I just want people to read my writing.

This, I suppose you could say, is a portfolio of sorts. I’ll write to my heart’s content, and go through several drafts, and hopefully one day invest in a decent camera and yes, if you want to hire me to write a piece or pay for my plane ticket to some exotic or domestic place, I’d be more than happy to take that opportunity.

In the mean time, I’ll show you what I’m doing now.