I still haven’t done much traveling lately, although I’d hoped to fill this blog with all sorts of wonderful content about pretty places and lovely things. Or perhaps more accurately, I’ve traveled but I haven’t quite had the urge to write much about it. I tend to live in the moment and remembering that there exists a blog in which I can record the adventures of my life is not often a priority of any kind.

I’m writing to vent a bit. Not many people know this site exists, and I’ve just deactivated my Facebook account, so I’m just here to relieve a bit of emotion.

I just got a text reminding me to renew my driver’s license within the next 7 days. I’m turning 21 so that should be the reason but I really, really don’t feel like dealing with the bullshit that is the DMV right now. And I was thinking it would be pretty straight-forward, too, so I look up renewals on the DMV website and in my state I literally need to take all my immigration paperwork with to get the damned thing renewed. I’m not even sure I want to drive anymore. Ugh. But I need to. Double ugh.

My classes are going horrendously. I feel like a failure and it’s only mid-February. I need to talk to my professors but like, what the hell am I going to say? “I’m sorry I suck so bad.”? And I need to buy a book for my thermodynamics class but it’s like 200 dollars. And I don’t know if I have that. 200 dollars is what I make in an entire week. I have the online version but I couldn’t use it for my last exam and I ended up failing it because I didn’t have all I needed printed out.

I haven’t had time to do homework for god-knows-what reason. I actually don’t know why. Maybe because I’m behind and it’s intimidating and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing? I think I’m avoiding it. I want to apologize to someone, but I don’t know who.

I’ve been thinking of becoming religious lately. I find myself a lot of times just slightly lost. I don’t know who to talk to about this. My father is dead and I don’t want to worry my mom by telling her I’m failing school. I don’t want to let her down. So I figure maybe a god who generally already knows how much a fuck-up I am will be a better person to let all this anxiety out on, even though I’ll never get a response. Maybe I’ll start living a better life. I don’t know.

My friends aren’t religious or anything by the way. They’re quite far from it. I would be one strange anomaly if I, the agnostic since as long as I could remember, would convert to Christianity or something.

One of the reasons I’ve been failing so badly is that I feel my focus is just so far gone some days. It’s just not there. I mean, I can cook and socialize and entertain people but when it comes to work, I just can’t do it. I mean like work-work I can. Making coffee is starting to come more naturally (I just recently acquired a new job at Starbucks. It’s exhausting but also pretty rewarding.) and well, it doesn’t require all too much concentration or logic. But I’ve had a strong feeling for several years now that I have ADHD. And the symptoms of it get very strong some days, or weeks. This is one of those months. I’ve been trying to get tested for it but the psychiatry department doesn’t like to pick up their phone and I always miss their calls.

So the reason I deactivated my Facebook account was because I felt incredibly distracted by it all. “It all” being like, all of social media. I’m feeling the need to pretty much cleanse my mind of such things. I’m also thinking of weaning off the sugar and the coffee, although my job makes it difficult to do the latter. I’ll be making tea for myself instead, I guess. I kind-of get lost playing silly little games like Bubble Spinner and 2048 as well, so I’m thinking of just adding those to a blocker on my browser. Eventually I’ll have blocked so many things I’ll be forced to do my homework or something, right?

Alright. Just added a blocker to my browser. Not exactly productive stuff, but conducive to productivity at least?

What’s not conducive at all to productivity is the fact that my cat just made a bed of my lap. And my arms are still able to reach the keyboard but otherwise can’t exactly move. He’s watching me type. What a cute little weirdo.

Anyways. I’ve got a class I need to get ready for. So I’m gonna go ahead and just post this. I’ll try to post pictures of Lexington or something over the weekend to make up for the egregious amount of tangent and lack of content on this blog.

TTYL,

Fem